Mentally ill and choices

The first time I wondered if my little brother was mentally ill, we were getting off of the school bus and he took off running to the garage.  He said he saw a man standing in the woods across the street with a gun.  Somehow the window in the garage had a hole in it.  I do not know if my brother had shot the window with his BB gun and did not want to get in trouble, so he fabricated this story or what.  I just know that our house was swarmed with police and the searched the woods and found nothing, other than the neighbor's donkeys.  

I remember my Mom taking him to the psychiatrist after that episode. They did not know if he was hallucinating or schizophrenic or just lying for attention.  

I am not sure when things changed with my brother's personality.  I don't know if it's when our parents both remarried and there was no hope of them ever getting back together or if it was after my mom's marriage.  He always seemed to like our stepdad.

I will never forget when we were getting ready to go to Texas for our mom to get married, because in Texas you did not have to wait 3 days after getting a marriage license to marry.  I still have no idea why waiting 3 days when they were already living together was a big deal.  My brother told me to find all of my money and bring it with us, because our Mom and stepdad were taking us to get rid of us.  He had on elastic bans shorts and kept having to pull them up because his pockets were heavy with all of his change.  Just in case we were left.  I have no idea what he thought all of his change would get us.  As I think back, I think he was only 6.  Imagining my almost 6 year old gathering all of her money and thinking we were going to get rid of her wrecks me.  My family thought it was funny.  I cannot imagine that being funny under any circumstances.  Maybe the trying to keep his shorts from falling down, but that is it.  

We went with them on their honeymoon to Florida.  It ended up being my Mom and me in the pool and on the beach most of the trip, while my brother and stepdad played mini golf and did other guy things.  My family loved to pick on me because there was a man in the pool with his two sons, that was actually playing with his sons.  I do not know how many times I tried to set my newly married Mom up with this guy.  I thought he looked like a great stepdad.  He was actually playing with his kids.  

We came back home and the real stepdad emerged.  He was not working at the time.  He worked shut downs at plants on occasion, because it was good money and he could work 1 week a month or 1 month out of 4 and it paid about the same or better than a full time job. So when he was home, he would spend the whole morning drinking his coffee, reading the paper and yelling at us to clean house.  He reminded me of the wicked stepmother.  Mom would get home and the house would be clean and she thought stepdad had done all of the work.  

I am not sure when the shift happened and my brother started looking at my stepdad as his hero and not wanting to see our Dad unless he had to.  I remember he started staying home occasionally on the weekends that we were scheduled to go to Dad's.  My brother had diabetes and one weekend he had to do a 24 hour urine test, because his blood sugars were going crazy.  I was told that the reason he did not want to go was because he did not what to take the jug, because  he was embarrassed by it.  It was not until I was an adult that my brother told me that he told our Dad that he hated him and never wanted to see him again.  I have no idea where that came from.  Our Dad died in his sleep 4 days later.  Those were the last words he said to him.  

I have no idea if he got involved with drugs and alcohol in high school or afterwards.  He got addicted to pain pills.  A couple of days after I had my 13 year old, my Mom brought him & his girlfriend to visit.  I noticed the next day that out of a whole bottle of pain pills, I only had 2 left,  I assumed his girlfriend had taken them, because at the time, I still looked up to my brother, even though he was younger than me.  

I think my family hid a lot of things he did, because denial is much better than facing the fact that he had problems.  Every job he had as a teen and in his early 20s, he would be fired because money would disappear from the register.  Family even gave him chance after chance.  A relative that owned a furniture store hired him to deliver furniture and he tried to keep the delivery truck, along with money. 

He married for about 12 months.  He started stealing pain pills from his mother in law and money, so they divorced.  He spent some time living with friends, then I'm sure something happened there.  

He ended up back at Mom's in his 20s.  Unemployed and bored.  She tried to get him to get help, but he refused.  He stole golf clubs and guns of my stepdad's and hocked them.  My stepdad finally recovered them all.  He knew most of the pawn shop owners in town.  Then, I'm guessing when he needed another fix, he stole my stepdad's identity.  He charged up his credit cards and would check the mail first and when he found checks from credit card companies to get cash advances, he would do that.  Eventually my stepdad pressed charges.  He spent a year or two in jail then was released on probation for good behavior.  He went back to Mom's house and was welcomed in again, this time almost in fear.  Sometime during all of this, he said he was going to kill my mom & stepdad in their sleep.  So, all of the guns were taken out of the house and locked up at family's houses and in the shed.  My teenage sister is living there through all of this and I am terrified he's going to kill them all.  He behaved for a couple of years.  Then stole both my Mom and stepdad's identity.  He opened credit cards in their names and was ordering stuff left and right.  He went to "test" drive a truck and failed to return it.  He went back to jail.  This time with a 7 year sentence.  We went to see him a few times, but not as often as I wish I would have.  We did exchange many letters.  

Three and a half years later, he was released.  My Mom told him that he could not move back in with her.  She offered to get him an apartment on the city bus line so he could come & go.  She even offered to pay for his apartment.  He found a house and lived there for about 6 months.  

Every time we saw him, he looked more & more sick.  Supposedly he fell down & hit his head so hard a month or two before he was released and crushed part of his skull, resulting in epilepsy.  He was complaining about feeling bad and not being able to eat almost constantly.

About a month after he got out of jail, we took our family and moved a state away.  My older two children remembered the chaos and were scared of him stopping by out of the blue.  

He kept complaining about headaches, passing out and vomiting, so my Mom took him to the doctor.  After what he said was a lot of testing, he said they found a brain tumor.  Then he said the doctor wanted to do a full body scan because most brain tumors do not originate in the brain.  He said he had a full body scan done and his pancreas was covered in tumors.  He said the doctor said that would be his last Christmas and he would be lucky to make it 3-6 months.  There was nothing they could do.  

This was September and family was very upset.  We had already lost that time with him in jail and now he was dying.  He moved in with an aunt and uncle, because they did not think he could take care of himself.  We made trips to town at least once a month to see him.  My uncle and cousin took him on a trip to play the two golf courses he had dreamed of playing.  Once he got back home, he spent as much time as he could on the golf course because he said that was where he could clear his mind and relax.  

January rolls around and my mom and uncle started questioning whether or not he really had cancer.  He claimed he had the medical report, but then Mom made him mad, so he shredded it.  My aunt and uncle asked him to go stay at Mom's just on the weekends, so they could have some time alone.  He did that, but hated it, because he said that he had nowhere to call home.  

At times he was starting to feel unwelcome & uncomfortable at our aunt and uncle's.  So he went back to stay with Mom.  We talked or emailed every day and he said that he would not stay at Mom's long, because he just couldn't stand it.  He said if it got too bad, he would go stay at a hotel room to cool off.  

He had a doctor's appointment scheduled a few days after moving in with Mom and told her that she could take him & come back & hear what the doctor said and see his records. He offered that to anyone in the family.  

The day before they were supposed to go to the doctor, he had a friend pick him up and said they were going to lunch and to pick up his medicine.  He was an insulin dependent diabetic.  I texted him and Mom that evening and didn't hear back.  She called me the next day and told me that he had left an did not show up at the doctor.  She went to the appointment, hoping he would show up.  The doctor could not really tell her anything, but when she asked if he had cancer, the doctor shook his head.  

He called everyone the next day and told them he was fine and just needed to get away and spend some time alone.  His voice almost sounded like the old brother I knew, not the slurred speech brother that he had sounded like since he got out of jail.  It sounded like a rehearsed speech.  I think he said the exact same thing to everyone.  

The night before when I found out that no one had heard from him, I remembered that the first time he was in jail, I dreamed that he was going to end his life.  Every time the phone rang & it was my Mom, I was scared that was going to be the call that he had done it.  Ernie and I went for a walk that night and I told him that I really felt like they were going to find him somewhere dead.  He texted and asked for my address.  He did the same thing with s cousin.  I begged and pleaded with him to not do anything stupid.  

Two days later, Ernie came home from work and pulled me into the bedroom and sat me down.  He told me they had found him in a motel room.  He had injected 2 vials of insulin.  He left goodbye notes for my mom, stepdad, uncle & little sister.  Not a word for me.  

The counselor at the church that we had grown up in, that had been trying to counsel him over the phone, told me that he had gotten a call from my brother the night that we had heard from him the last time.  He missed the call & it went to voicemail.  He let me listen to it.  My brother was sobbing and asking him to please pray for him right then.  That message will haunt me the rest of my life.  The brother that I felt like I had helped raise, because Mom worked all of the time, decided that it was easier to end his own life than to go on.  

Victim mentality?

Have you ever had a victim mentality?  Have you ever thought if I had just been born into another family?  If I had different parents, different grandparents, different siblings, then my life would have turned out differently.  If only my parents had not divorced and had modeled what true marriage is supposed to look like.  

If only my Mom had not married a man that was verbally abusive.  If only my Daddy had not died the day after my 13th birthday.  If only I had spent more time with my Daddy, not that the decision was mine.  

If only I had picked better friends in middle school and high school.  If only I had never smoked a cigarette.  If only I had not made the decision to give up and drop out of school in October of my senior year, because we had several English teachers and I was doing horribly in my favorite class.  Thankfully I at least got my GED.  If only I had not given up on college and dropped out.  If only I was not so timid and scared of being myself around other people, because if I did not like myself, how could they?

If only I had not let my brother come live with us for a little after he got out of prison.  If only I had never left my children alone with him.  If only I had known what signs to pick up on.  If only I was not blind to him and his drug, alcohol and cough syrup addiction.  If only I had the chance to put him in jail again for the things he did.  

There are many if onlys that I have lived with for most if my life.  I could blame my parents, my brother, my circumstances, but I am not a victim.  God wants us to live in victory.  I cannot live in victory, as long as I am in bondage to the past.  

I blamed my weight problem on my stepdad for many years.  He called me fat and told me that I had to drink diet coke, instead of coke, because I was fat.  So for years, I have thought that I can drink as much coke as I want because he cannot tell me what I can and cannot drink now.  My rebellion was doing nothing other than hurt me.  A victim may act like a rebellious teenager.  I am no longer a rebellious teenager.  I feel like God wants me to walk in victory in this area of my life.  My body is His temple to take care of, not something for me to destroy.  

I could choose to be a victim and not accept blame in many situations in my life and I have many times.  I am thankful that God has used friends to show me the error of my ways.  I am glad that he uses different people to help me grow.  

So are you a victim?  Or do you walk with God in victory?  Are you living out the victorious life that he has planned for you?  Have you accepted that God allows bad things to happen to us to grow us, teach us lessons and so we will lean on him?  To be honest, God is still working with me on this issue.  I am so thankful for his grace and loving kindness and that he does not hit me upside the head and say, "You are doing it again!".  

A bucket list of sorts for 2014

1.  I want to get our budget under control.  I am tired of money ruling over us.  I want to tell it where to go.  I want to put 3 months worth of living expenses in savings.  I do not want to have to worry about buying groceries.  

2.  I want to buy a house this year.  I want to be able to paint and decorate and make it mine.  

3.  I want Ernie to find the perfect job, for him.  He is not happy in his current job and I want to see him happy again.  

4.  I want to declutter every single thing in my house that either does not have a use or we do not love.  

5.  I want to tame the paper monster.  

6.  I want to clean out every single closet in the house, even mine.  

7.  I want to clean out the garage and get rid of everything we do not need.  

8.  I want to kick the addiction to my phone.  I want to set a limit of only being on it before my kids wake up in the mornings and after they are in bed at night.  

9.  I want to spend more time reading with my girls and playing with them.  

10.  I want to fully engage with all of my kids and Ernie and put the phone away any time they are talking to me.  

11.  I want to spend more one on one time with each of my kids.  

12.  I want to encourage Ernie to do the same.  

13.  I want to declare one night a week to be a family game night.  

14.  I want the read through the Bible chronologically this year.  

15.  I want to memorize one verse per week.  

16.  I want to do my Jesus Calling devotional every day.  

17.  I want to encourage Annalee to do her Jesus Calling devotional every day.  

18.  I want to stop yelling.  

19.  I want to stop dealing with anger.  

20.  I want to pray more and feel God more.  I want to grow deeper in my relationship with him.  

21.  I want to invite a friend or another family over once per month.  

22.  I want to be a good example to my older children.  

23.  I want to be better organized with homeschooling my girls.  

24.  I want to stop living in fear.  

25.  I want to stop saying yes to things, just because I want people to like me.  

26.  I want to exercise at least 4 times a week.  

27.  I want to learn to eat healthy, real food.  

28.  I want to learn more about essential oils and how they heal our bodies.  

29.  I want to learn more about healing our guts. 

30.  I want to learn to be a better communicator and not fear rejection.  

31.  I want to be intentional about talking to Ernie more. 

32.  I want to take a vacation to Disney and Branson.  

33.  I want to write a book.

34.  I want to read more than 100 books.  

35.  I want to train to jog a half marathon next New Years Eve.  

36.  I want to get off of all sugar and wheat.  

37.  I want to find complete healing from the anger and bitterness after my brother's suicide.  

A letter to my 18 year old self

Jessie, Jessie, Jessie...

Ten years after your Mom married your stepdad, at a courthouse, where you objected, just accept that he is who he is.  Accept that he is mean and bitter and excruciatingly painful to be around, because he is unhappy with himself.  Either he was abused or neglected or maybe, he's mentally ill, but cut him some slack.  

That time that he went to your guidance counselor and asked for advice because he could not get through to you and did not know why you hated him so much, then your Mom called her sister to come babysit your siblings and you were stuck in a locked car in a grocery store parking lot with him and your Mom, until you would tell him why you did not like him... forgive him for that.  Perhaps he has a victim mentality and had no clue why in the world you do not like him.  

That time that you decided that all you wanted to watch on TV was The Cosby Show, because he would not allow it, because they were a black family.  And the years that you decided that you only wanted black friends, because he was the most prejudice person you know, forgive him for that.  Maybe that was the way he was raised and he has no desire to change.  

That time that he went digging through your purse and found a cigarette with the filter broken off and thought it was a joint, because it was always a jump to the worst possible conclusion, forgive him for that.  

The years that you sat in your bedroom absorbed in books, terrified to come out of your room, because you had no idea whether you were going to be yelled at, cussed at, ignored or treated nicely, it is time to let it go.  

The comment "We are not going to raise that child", when my Mom told my stepdad that we were expecting our first child, it is past time to let it go.  After years of verbal abuse, there is no way I would let him raise my child.  

The years that you felt neglected and abandoned, because your brother was diabetic and ADHD and needed more attention, let it go.  Mom was doing what she thought was best at the time.  Then when Mom and stepdad had their daughter and you were definitely forgotten about, forgive them.  

Cherish the time you have left with your grandparents on your Dad's side of the family.  Your Mom tried to poison your thoughts against both of them, but they are the ones that know what true love is.  They are the ones that have the most life experiences.  They are the ones that started from nothing and built a wonderful life for themselves.  Spend as much time as you can with them and soak in their knowledge, especially from your grandmother.  

Do not listen to your Mom when you tell her that you want to go to school and major in psychology and she says "Oh, you want to be just like your grandmother".  Or maybe say, yes, I would like to be just like her.  She was far from perfect, but family and helping other people were her priorities.  

When the psychiatrist tells you that if you would record your stepdad being verbally abusive and something could be done, you should have considered listening to him.  Letting fear get in the way of that, did nothing to benefit your teen years.  

When your stepdad plays the victim and complains to his family that you are not nice to him and his niece, who you admired, told you that if you could not be nice to him that you could not be friends with her, maybe you should have realized right then that there were some family problems.  

When your stepdad is telling you that you are fat and no man that weighs less than 500 pounds than you, maybe you should realize he has much larger of a problem than you.  When he is telling you that you are fat and if you get any bigger, your clothes are going to have to be handmade, when you are in a size large, do not listen to him.  

When he is the one there for you to cry on his shoulder when you do not make drill team and your Mom cannot be bothered to come, be thankful.  When he is at your dance recital rehearsals and once again, your Mom cannot be bothered to be there, be thankful.  

Remember that most of the time when people hurt you with their words, they have been hurt.  Hurt people hurt people.  Try not to take his words personally.  I know it is hard, but all of the flaws he is so good about pointing out in you, are pointed out either because he has the same problem, or it was something that he has dealt with.  

When he tries to give you all kinds of baby advice, just nod and agree.  Try to remember anything helpful and forget the rest.  

Remember that all of the craziness had nothing to do with you.  Do not let yourself be terrified of rejection or failure, just because you were constantly being rejected or failing, according to your Mom and stepdad.  

Let yourself grieve for the loss of your Dad.  Get help to learn how to grieve.  Do not just stuff the emotions deep inside, because you may never find healing.  

Thank God every day for getting suspended in public school, so your mom would pull you out of public school and put you in private school, where you met your high school sweetheart.  

Spend more time in church.  Read the Bible, dig deeper and get to know The Lord better.  Memorize scripture dnf tight 

Realize that the neglecting and negative attention has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and where they have decided to take everything out on you, 

You have made great, close, God fearing friends.  Turn to them when you need love and not your Mom that cannot or will not give it and definitely do not turn to your stepdad that makes the comment "I put a roof over your head, clothes on you back and food on the table, what more do you want!"  Just let go of the fact that they are incapable of giving the love that you seek.  Turn to God and let him sort everything out.  

What is your purpose?

Do you ever wonder if you are living in God’s will?  What your purpose is in life?  What you were created to do?  What your gifts are?  I do not know about you, but I have pondered these questions so many times that it is not funny.  I have spent many sleepless nights wondering what I am supposed to do with this gift of life I have been given? 

Have you ever heard that if you are not going after your dream or fulfilling your purpose that God will give someone else the dream or purpose that He had planned for your life?  I do not know about you, but that statement had me anxious for a little while.  I was wondering if I was a failure by not doing this “big” thing. 

The thing is, I stay at home with my children.  I have had many, many people ask what I do and the looks I get from some people leave me feeling worthless and like what I do does not matter.  I have had friends that have commented, “It must be nice!”.  Sometimes the reaction is “What in the world do you do all day?”.  A lot of times I hear, “There’s no way we could do it.  We have to have two incomes.”.  I usually just nod and bite my tongue or do not say anything at all.  Until you have been a stay at home mom, it is not possible to understand.  Yes, it is nice to stay home with my children, but the truth is that it is hard.  I worked for a little while when we had two children and I have to say that it was much easier to go to work every day and be able to go to the restroom in private.  To eat lunch without interruptions.  My house was cleaner when I was at work all day.  The kids were not home to make messes.  The we have to have two incomes statement is something that the world wants us all to believe.  Sometimes I believe that we need two incomes.  There are months that are an absolute struggle, but we make it.  We cannot have all of the coolest and newest gadgets, but we do not need them. 

My 3 year old telling me “Mommy, I love you!” out of the blue almost every single day is absolutely priceless.  The smiles and hugs that I get, because I am here and not away from them all day are priceless.  I know that I would get smiles, hugs and I love yous when I got home, if I was to go to work, but throughout the day out of the blue is just the sweetest thing in the world. 

I am not the best housekeeper.  I am not the best cook.  But I try daily to meet my family’s needs by cooking meals, providing snacks, washing their clothes.  It is not the most glorious job in the world some days and some days it feels like it is tedious and an unthankful job, but loving on these people that God has blessed me with, day in and day out, is my calling.  It is my purpose.  I am absolutely, tremendously blessed to be able to be home with my kids and to take care of them and my husband.  These are the people that mean the most to me and I am so thankful for every day with them. 

So if you are ever feeling like me and wondering what is my purpose?  What was I created to do?  Look around you and see who you can bless just by being you.  Where you are right now is where God wants you right now.  Things change, we go through seasons, but God has planted you in that place and in that season for a reason.  Maybe He’s trying to teach you something.  Maybe He has you right there to be a blessing to a certain someone.  There is a calling on your life and do not ever feel like what you are doing is not enough.  Because it is.

Do you struggle with people pleasing or acceptance?

One of the struggles I have had my entire life is pleasing other people.  I want everyone to like me.  The thought of someone not liking me almost seems unbearable.  Why in the world it bothers me so much, I do not know.  

I wonder at times if it comes from feeling like I was a bother to my mom.  I never felt accepted or wanted, so I felt like I was constantly trying to please her.  

When after years of trying, it did not seem to make any difference at all, I went the complete opposite direction.  I would talk back.  I had a horrible attitude.  I stayed in my room all of the time.  I kept canned cokes and Vienna sausages under my bed, so I did not have to leave my room, except to go to the restroom.  

I chose friends to hang around that I knew my mom would not want me hanging around.  I smoked, in my closet, stupidly thinking I would not get caught.  My stepdad could not stand black people, so I flocked to them.  I have always believed skin color does not make one bit of difference.  We are all the same.  

I think since I did not have that need for acceptance met as a child, I still struggle with finding acceptance.  It has taken 35 years for me to realize that acceptance does not come from man. Should it come from our parents?  Yes, it should, but they are human.  As parents, we will fail.  Probably every single day.  

People pleasing is nothing more than trying to gain acceptance from man. The enemy is planting lies that we need to please others.  We can get so caught up in trying to please others that we take our eyes off of God.  It can easily become an idol.  It takes the focus from loving God and others to being all about ourselves.  If the enemy can get us focused on ourselves and what other people think, then he is winning.  

Galatians 1:10 says:

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10 ESV)

So, when I am trying to please others and trying to gain their approval, the Bible says I am not a servant of Christ.  This is one of the verses I definitely need to memorize this year.  I want to be a servant of Christ at all times.  I want people to be able to pick me out as a follower of Christ.  

James 2:18 says:

But someone will say, “One person has faith, another has actions.” My answer is, “Show me how anyone can have faith without actions. I will show you my faith by my actions.” (James 2:18 GNT)

When I am gone one day, I do not want people to remember me as someone that was always wrapped up in what everyone else thought and whether or not someone approved of me or accepted me.  In the end, I want people to see me as someone that only looks to The Lord for love and acceptance.  I want my actions to show that I believe I am loved, accepted and approved of by God.  That and showing His love to others is my goal.  If others are brought to Christ because of the way I live my life, I will finish this race well.  

Going to a Wedding....

Going to a Wedding…. 

          

When Ernie and I started dating, my half-sister was two years old.  I could not fathom her dating one day, much less getting married.  This afternoon, she married her high school sweetheart.  I can still remember pushing her on the swingset in the yard.  Watching her dance recitals, listening to her yell and argue with her Dad.  Never have I seen a child so strong willed and stubborn.  I love this beautiful young lady fiercely, though.  I am so thankful that she found this amazing man, Destin, to share her life with.  I cannot imagine the two of them apart. 

This is a guy that has such a strong relationship with the Lord.  He is such a great influence for Johnye and I am so thankful for that.  I am so thankful to see her in church and serving in church.  I am so thankful that she married her best friend. 

She chose a lodge, on a lake, in the country for the wedding and reception.  She chose to get married outdoors, in January, even though it was 40 something degrees.  She chose a sleeveless dress that was absolutely gorgeous and so classy.  It fit her personality to a T.  I thought maybe she would wear a shawl or a jacket or sweater, but not my sister.  She wanted that dress showing and she wore it and acted like she was not cold at all. 

She cried coming down the stairs with her Dad.  Destin was crying, watching her come down the stairs.  I think they cried through most of the ceremony.  It was so sweet and so beautiful to see the love they have for each other.  I don’t think there were many females at the wedding with dry eyes.  The preacher did an absolutely phenomenal message on Ephesians and what love really means.  And how our actions show how we love Christ and each other.  I don’t know how many of the guests needed that message, but it was really beautiful. 

Inside for the reception, the decorations were simple.  Burlap, cotton, sticks in vases, candles and a few flowers were all that decorated the inside of the lodge.  There was a hot chocolate and coffee bar, that was definitely a hit, after coming back inside from the cold.  There was a wonderful meal of bacon wrapped chicken tenderloins, green beans, corn, salad and rolls.  The food was delicious.  I think the favorite of the night for the kids, was the smores bar!  They had all of the fixings and they could make their own smores.  I lost count of how many one of my children had.  They did not have room for cake after filling up on smores! 

All in all, it was a great afternoon and evening of spending time with family and friends.  Seeing my sister glowing and watching Destin remove all of the toilet paper from around his car before they left, was absolutely an unforgettable time.  I am praying that their lives are filled with many years of happiness and many babies!