This summer has been full of growth and learning to love who I am. Perfect? No. I am very far from it. Could I use improvement? Yes, I am definitely sure in some areas I could use a lot of work and improvement. I have struggled some with depression this summer. I am trying to figure out what triggers the sadness, anger and withdrawal from others. I have realized that it's times when I need people the most, I turn in to myself and try to avoid fellowship. I don't want others to see that I am down or depressed. I feel ashamed and like I am less of a person when I am feeling down.
A friend from church called this morning and called me out on a comment I made. Can I tell you how absolutely I am amazed by the things God does in our lives? I have struggled with this depression thing off and on for years. God has placed this family in our church(our lives) that understand and have been through the exact same things I have been through. We joined the same life group they were part of and all of us get along great. I have been praying for another couple to come along that Ernie and I both get along with. It's great and dandy to have other mom friends, but it's been a long time since we were really close to another family. He has dealt with clinical depression and doesn't just sympathize, but can honestly say "I've been there and am just a little farther down the road than you". Not only can he say he's been there and understands, but he says it's our job as the body of Christ to help other people that are struggling with things we have struggled with. I realized a few weeks ago that God doesn't give us depression, but He allows us to struggle with it, so that we can help others. It is through our struggles when we grow the most.
This new friendship and reading the book Boundaries has really opened my eyes. Boundaries talks a lot about having safe relationships where you can try out saying no and exercising boundaries, so that you'll be able to use them with other people. I have always thought my problem was being a people pleaser, but maybe it's more that I don't know how to use boundaries with other people. Maybe it's a little of both. I have always wanted everyone to like me. Many times in life I've done things I don't want to do in order to just be with the other person and keep harmony. Interesting stuff.
So, in this conversation this morning our friend told me that he believes that I have much more inside of me that I am stifling and not allowing to escape(my words, not his). I don't remember the exact words. He said that online I'm a totally different person than in person. Hmmm.
This song started playing in my head when he said that. I do believe that I am a lot more outgoing when I'm hiding behind a computer screen. Rejection from someone online is much easier to deal with than someone in person. Right after we got off of the phone I checked Twitter and this was one of the first tweets I read... "You have everything you need to live the life you desire, if you will take the actions necessary to fulfill your possibilities." - Ralph Marston. What a timely quote to read today. Perhaps God is trying to tell me something. I know I'm not living my life to the fullest. As I've listened to Family Church's messages about One Month to Live this week, I've realized that. I need to stop living in fear and embrace all of the wonderful possibilities that are out there!