Monday, February 28, 2011

I Ain't Settlin' For Just Getting By...

I've had enough so-so
For the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low
So raise the bar high
"Just enough," ain't enough this time
I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything

This song by Sugarland came on when I was driving yesterday and I think it could be my life song right now. I have been thinking about making some life changes, but then I talk myself out of it, because I'm scared of change. I'm not a huge fan of Dr. Phil, but any time I would think about being scared of changing, I could hear him asking "How's that working for you?". I think that might have been a sign that it was time to change. I returned to Weight Watchers, because I know in the back of my mind that Weight Watchers works. I have been successful with it in the past. About 8 years ago, I lost 70lbs doing Weight Watchers in a little over 6 months. I got pregnant, lost the baby and found myself sinking back into depression and not caring about my health or working out once again. I have tried going back to Weight Watchers probably 4 or 5 times since then and have always given up. The time that I was successful, I had a good friend going with me that needed to lose fairly close to the same amount of weight and it became a competition. I am very competitive and love a challenge. In the end, I could not keep the weight off that time, though. I put it back on.

So, here I am again. What is different this time? I have no competition. I have no one to go to meetings with me. Our meetings are full of a lot of grandmotherly women. I have to stand in line 45 minutes to an hour to weigh in. But, the question is what is different. I had heard the click the first time. Obviously, I lost 70lbs. I was staying within my points & meeting friends at the gym. I was enjoying the process, but I was still eating a lot of junk. Better than before WW, but the goal was simply to eat less than 32 points a day. This time I am trying to focus on eating mostly fruits & veggies. I am trying to get more protein from beans & boiled eggs. I am eating a little meat & carbs, but not much. I am exercising, a lot. Some days I think I am obsessed with it.

What else is different? I am trying to work through & accept my past. Everyone has their inner demons & I am trying to acknowledge & let mine go. Comments made by my stepdad when I was growing up still rear their ugly head during my weak moments.

"You're wearing the largest size made(xl), what are you going to do when you outgrow it?"

"You can't have that coke, because you are fat."

"You are not allowed to drink coke, because you are overweight. We can drink it, because we do not have a weight problem."

"You will end up married to someone like him *pointing at a huge man that could barely walk*, because NO ONE else would ever love you."

"Are you really going to eat that?"

"Do you think you need that?"

My mom would tell me to ignore the comments. She would tell me I could have coke when I was out of the house. She bought coke & some foods for me and I hid them under my bed. I am not blaming my food & coke addiction & obesity on them. I cannot change the past, but I do have to work through it to be able to heal.

My Daddy, the parent that I felt like accepted me for who I really was, the one that I didn't feel like I had to earn his love, died unexpectedly when I was 13. He had epilepsy & had a seizure in his sleep & suffocated in his pillow. I will never forget the previous weekend. I asked him if I could move in with him. I was so miserable at home. He said yes & I was ecstatic. Then a couple of days later, I was sitting in first period & the overhead speaker came on asking me to come to the guidance counselor's office. I walked in her office and my mom was sitting there. She told me to sit down & then told me my Daddy had passed away in his sleep. I remember not understanding & asking if she said my Pappaw. She said no, my Dad. I remember sobbing & wishing it was my stepdad. My Daddy was such a great person. He loved people unconditionally. He didn't judge people. And I was left living with one of the most judgemental people I'd ever known. I remember standing at his coffin & holding his hands. I remember screaming & crying throughout the funeral. I remember wanting to die, because in my mind there was nobody else that loved me.

The next few years got worse. I hid in my room a lot. If my mom or stepdad were home, I stayed in my room. There were days I was scared to walk through the house if my stepdad was home, because I never knew what kind of mood he might be in. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd at school. I desperately wanted attention & wanted my mom to love me in a way I could see. She started taking me to "Tough Love" meetings, exposing me to way more than I'd seen in school. I guess someone suggested Tough Love. All I needed was a parent to show me unconditional love & that they wanted to spend time with me. All I wanted was love & acceptance. I started running to food to numb the pain. When my heart was constantly empty & breaking, food made me feel better for a little while.

Once the cycle started and I started gaining weight, I started hiding behind the weight. I could be an introvert. When you are overweight, there are people that completely over look you. They act like you don't exist at all. If friends stop talking to you or no longer want to do things with you, you can always blame it on the weight. I can tell myself that maybe they were embarrassed about my size. That's much easier to swallow than maybe they just don't like me. It's easy to eat and not care about what you are eating and to sit behind a computer screen for hours and not be active. But, after 14 years of that, it's not working for me any more. There are days that I don't like myself. There are days that I have no energy. I am done with that. I am tired of not taking care of myself. I am tired of not putting myself first.

So, this February has been life changing for me. I have decided once and for all that there are no more excuses. There will always be some excuse, if you are not ready to do the work. That's how I got here. Excuses, excuses, excuses. How's that working for me? It's gotten me almost 100lbs overweight. That is no longer working for me. I want to be free. I want to run. I want to enjoy life. I want to love myself. I do not love myself at this weight. I really don't. I'm starting to turn that around. This month, I have dropped 11 pounds. I am not sure how many inches, because I just decided to measure yesterday. I have dropped one pants size. I have completely given up coke. For someone drinking 3-6 cokes a day, that's a huge step. I have given up most sugar and most carbs. The craving for most of those is completely gone. That's God. It's not me. I've tried many times to give up cokes and carbs and have been a failure. I'm reading Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst and it is rocking my socks off. I am participating in a Fit in 8 weeks challenge at a friend's church. It has been a huge blessing. It is fun to learn about how God does not want us to be overweight and sluggish. That is convicting. Knowing that eating the way I have eaten for years is a sin, is very convicting. We are not supposed to look to food for comfort. I have always done that. That is why I am the size I am! I have no doubts that with God's help, this will be a successful journey for me.