A bucket list of sorts for 2014

1.  I want to get our budget under control.  I am tired of money ruling over us.  I want to tell it where to go.  I want to put 3 months worth of living expenses in savings.  I do not want to have to worry about buying groceries.  

2.  I want to buy a house this year.  I want to be able to paint and decorate and make it mine.  

3.  I want Ernie to find the perfect job, for him.  He is not happy in his current job and I want to see him happy again.  

4.  I want to declutter every single thing in my house that either does not have a use or we do not love.  

5.  I want to tame the paper monster.  

6.  I want to clean out every single closet in the house, even mine.  

7.  I want to clean out the garage and get rid of everything we do not need.  

8.  I want to kick the addiction to my phone.  I want to set a limit of only being on it before my kids wake up in the mornings and after they are in bed at night.  

9.  I want to spend more time reading with my girls and playing with them.  

10.  I want to fully engage with all of my kids and Ernie and put the phone away any time they are talking to me.  

11.  I want to spend more one on one time with each of my kids.  

12.  I want to encourage Ernie to do the same.  

13.  I want to declare one night a week to be a family game night.  

14.  I want the read through the Bible chronologically this year.  

15.  I want to memorize one verse per week.  

16.  I want to do my Jesus Calling devotional every day.  

17.  I want to encourage Annalee to do her Jesus Calling devotional every day.  

18.  I want to stop yelling.  

19.  I want to stop dealing with anger.  

20.  I want to pray more and feel God more.  I want to grow deeper in my relationship with him.  

21.  I want to invite a friend or another family over once per month.  

22.  I want to be a good example to my older children.  

23.  I want to be better organized with homeschooling my girls.  

24.  I want to stop living in fear.  

25.  I want to stop saying yes to things, just because I want people to like me.  

26.  I want to exercise at least 4 times a week.  

27.  I want to learn to eat healthy, real food.  

28.  I want to learn more about essential oils and how they heal our bodies.  

29.  I want to learn more about healing our guts. 

30.  I want to learn to be a better communicator and not fear rejection.  

31.  I want to be intentional about talking to Ernie more. 

32.  I want to take a vacation to Disney and Branson.  

33.  I want to write a book.

34.  I want to read more than 100 books.  

35.  I want to train to jog a half marathon next New Years Eve.  

36.  I want to get off of all sugar and wheat.  

37.  I want to find complete healing from the anger and bitterness after my brother's suicide.  

A letter to my 18 year old self

Jessie, Jessie, Jessie...

Ten years after your Mom married your stepdad, at a courthouse, where you objected, just accept that he is who he is.  Accept that he is mean and bitter and excruciatingly painful to be around, because he is unhappy with himself.  Either he was abused or neglected or maybe, he's mentally ill, but cut him some slack.  

That time that he went to your guidance counselor and asked for advice because he could not get through to you and did not know why you hated him so much, then your Mom called her sister to come babysit your siblings and you were stuck in a locked car in a grocery store parking lot with him and your Mom, until you would tell him why you did not like him... forgive him for that.  Perhaps he has a victim mentality and had no clue why in the world you do not like him.  

That time that you decided that all you wanted to watch on TV was The Cosby Show, because he would not allow it, because they were a black family.  And the years that you decided that you only wanted black friends, because he was the most prejudice person you know, forgive him for that.  Maybe that was the way he was raised and he has no desire to change.  

That time that he went digging through your purse and found a cigarette with the filter broken off and thought it was a joint, because it was always a jump to the worst possible conclusion, forgive him for that.  

The years that you sat in your bedroom absorbed in books, terrified to come out of your room, because you had no idea whether you were going to be yelled at, cussed at, ignored or treated nicely, it is time to let it go.  

The comment "We are not going to raise that child", when my Mom told my stepdad that we were expecting our first child, it is past time to let it go.  After years of verbal abuse, there is no way I would let him raise my child.  

The years that you felt neglected and abandoned, because your brother was diabetic and ADHD and needed more attention, let it go.  Mom was doing what she thought was best at the time.  Then when Mom and stepdad had their daughter and you were definitely forgotten about, forgive them.  

Cherish the time you have left with your grandparents on your Dad's side of the family.  Your Mom tried to poison your thoughts against both of them, but they are the ones that know what true love is.  They are the ones that have the most life experiences.  They are the ones that started from nothing and built a wonderful life for themselves.  Spend as much time as you can with them and soak in their knowledge, especially from your grandmother.  

Do not listen to your Mom when you tell her that you want to go to school and major in psychology and she says "Oh, you want to be just like your grandmother".  Or maybe say, yes, I would like to be just like her.  She was far from perfect, but family and helping other people were her priorities.  

When the psychiatrist tells you that if you would record your stepdad being verbally abusive and something could be done, you should have considered listening to him.  Letting fear get in the way of that, did nothing to benefit your teen years.  

When your stepdad plays the victim and complains to his family that you are not nice to him and his niece, who you admired, told you that if you could not be nice to him that you could not be friends with her, maybe you should have realized right then that there were some family problems.  

When your stepdad is telling you that you are fat and no man that weighs less than 500 pounds than you, maybe you should realize he has much larger of a problem than you.  When he is telling you that you are fat and if you get any bigger, your clothes are going to have to be handmade, when you are in a size large, do not listen to him.  

When he is the one there for you to cry on his shoulder when you do not make drill team and your Mom cannot be bothered to come, be thankful.  When he is at your dance recital rehearsals and once again, your Mom cannot be bothered to be there, be thankful.  

Remember that most of the time when people hurt you with their words, they have been hurt.  Hurt people hurt people.  Try not to take his words personally.  I know it is hard, but all of the flaws he is so good about pointing out in you, are pointed out either because he has the same problem, or it was something that he has dealt with.  

When he tries to give you all kinds of baby advice, just nod and agree.  Try to remember anything helpful and forget the rest.  

Remember that all of the craziness had nothing to do with you.  Do not let yourself be terrified of rejection or failure, just because you were constantly being rejected or failing, according to your Mom and stepdad.  

Let yourself grieve for the loss of your Dad.  Get help to learn how to grieve.  Do not just stuff the emotions deep inside, because you may never find healing.  

Thank God every day for getting suspended in public school, so your mom would pull you out of public school and put you in private school, where you met your high school sweetheart.  

Spend more time in church.  Read the Bible, dig deeper and get to know The Lord better.  Memorize scripture dnf tight 

Realize that the neglecting and negative attention has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and where they have decided to take everything out on you, 

You have made great, close, God fearing friends.  Turn to them when you need love and not your Mom that cannot or will not give it and definitely do not turn to your stepdad that makes the comment "I put a roof over your head, clothes on you back and food on the table, what more do you want!"  Just let go of the fact that they are incapable of giving the love that you seek.  Turn to God and let him sort everything out.  

What is your purpose?

Do you ever wonder if you are living in God’s will?  What your purpose is in life?  What you were created to do?  What your gifts are?  I do not know about you, but I have pondered these questions so many times that it is not funny.  I have spent many sleepless nights wondering what I am supposed to do with this gift of life I have been given? 

Have you ever heard that if you are not going after your dream or fulfilling your purpose that God will give someone else the dream or purpose that He had planned for your life?  I do not know about you, but that statement had me anxious for a little while.  I was wondering if I was a failure by not doing this “big” thing. 

The thing is, I stay at home with my children.  I have had many, many people ask what I do and the looks I get from some people leave me feeling worthless and like what I do does not matter.  I have had friends that have commented, “It must be nice!”.  Sometimes the reaction is “What in the world do you do all day?”.  A lot of times I hear, “There’s no way we could do it.  We have to have two incomes.”.  I usually just nod and bite my tongue or do not say anything at all.  Until you have been a stay at home mom, it is not possible to understand.  Yes, it is nice to stay home with my children, but the truth is that it is hard.  I worked for a little while when we had two children and I have to say that it was much easier to go to work every day and be able to go to the restroom in private.  To eat lunch without interruptions.  My house was cleaner when I was at work all day.  The kids were not home to make messes.  The we have to have two incomes statement is something that the world wants us all to believe.  Sometimes I believe that we need two incomes.  There are months that are an absolute struggle, but we make it.  We cannot have all of the coolest and newest gadgets, but we do not need them. 

My 3 year old telling me “Mommy, I love you!” out of the blue almost every single day is absolutely priceless.  The smiles and hugs that I get, because I am here and not away from them all day are priceless.  I know that I would get smiles, hugs and I love yous when I got home, if I was to go to work, but throughout the day out of the blue is just the sweetest thing in the world. 

I am not the best housekeeper.  I am not the best cook.  But I try daily to meet my family’s needs by cooking meals, providing snacks, washing their clothes.  It is not the most glorious job in the world some days and some days it feels like it is tedious and an unthankful job, but loving on these people that God has blessed me with, day in and day out, is my calling.  It is my purpose.  I am absolutely, tremendously blessed to be able to be home with my kids and to take care of them and my husband.  These are the people that mean the most to me and I am so thankful for every day with them. 

So if you are ever feeling like me and wondering what is my purpose?  What was I created to do?  Look around you and see who you can bless just by being you.  Where you are right now is where God wants you right now.  Things change, we go through seasons, but God has planted you in that place and in that season for a reason.  Maybe He’s trying to teach you something.  Maybe He has you right there to be a blessing to a certain someone.  There is a calling on your life and do not ever feel like what you are doing is not enough.  Because it is.

Do you struggle with people pleasing or acceptance?

One of the struggles I have had my entire life is pleasing other people.  I want everyone to like me.  The thought of someone not liking me almost seems unbearable.  Why in the world it bothers me so much, I do not know.  

I wonder at times if it comes from feeling like I was a bother to my mom.  I never felt accepted or wanted, so I felt like I was constantly trying to please her.  

When after years of trying, it did not seem to make any difference at all, I went the complete opposite direction.  I would talk back.  I had a horrible attitude.  I stayed in my room all of the time.  I kept canned cokes and Vienna sausages under my bed, so I did not have to leave my room, except to go to the restroom.  

I chose friends to hang around that I knew my mom would not want me hanging around.  I smoked, in my closet, stupidly thinking I would not get caught.  My stepdad could not stand black people, so I flocked to them.  I have always believed skin color does not make one bit of difference.  We are all the same.  

I think since I did not have that need for acceptance met as a child, I still struggle with finding acceptance.  It has taken 35 years for me to realize that acceptance does not come from man. Should it come from our parents?  Yes, it should, but they are human.  As parents, we will fail.  Probably every single day.  

People pleasing is nothing more than trying to gain acceptance from man. The enemy is planting lies that we need to please others.  We can get so caught up in trying to please others that we take our eyes off of God.  It can easily become an idol.  It takes the focus from loving God and others to being all about ourselves.  If the enemy can get us focused on ourselves and what other people think, then he is winning.  

Galatians 1:10 says:

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10 ESV)

So, when I am trying to please others and trying to gain their approval, the Bible says I am not a servant of Christ.  This is one of the verses I definitely need to memorize this year.  I want to be a servant of Christ at all times.  I want people to be able to pick me out as a follower of Christ.  

James 2:18 says:

But someone will say, “One person has faith, another has actions.” My answer is, “Show me how anyone can have faith without actions. I will show you my faith by my actions.” (James 2:18 GNT)

When I am gone one day, I do not want people to remember me as someone that was always wrapped up in what everyone else thought and whether or not someone approved of me or accepted me.  In the end, I want people to see me as someone that only looks to The Lord for love and acceptance.  I want my actions to show that I believe I am loved, accepted and approved of by God.  That and showing His love to others is my goal.  If others are brought to Christ because of the way I live my life, I will finish this race well.  

Going to a Wedding....

Going to a Wedding…. 

          

When Ernie and I started dating, my half-sister was two years old.  I could not fathom her dating one day, much less getting married.  This afternoon, she married her high school sweetheart.  I can still remember pushing her on the swingset in the yard.  Watching her dance recitals, listening to her yell and argue with her Dad.  Never have I seen a child so strong willed and stubborn.  I love this beautiful young lady fiercely, though.  I am so thankful that she found this amazing man, Destin, to share her life with.  I cannot imagine the two of them apart. 

This is a guy that has such a strong relationship with the Lord.  He is such a great influence for Johnye and I am so thankful for that.  I am so thankful to see her in church and serving in church.  I am so thankful that she married her best friend. 

She chose a lodge, on a lake, in the country for the wedding and reception.  She chose to get married outdoors, in January, even though it was 40 something degrees.  She chose a sleeveless dress that was absolutely gorgeous and so classy.  It fit her personality to a T.  I thought maybe she would wear a shawl or a jacket or sweater, but not my sister.  She wanted that dress showing and she wore it and acted like she was not cold at all. 

She cried coming down the stairs with her Dad.  Destin was crying, watching her come down the stairs.  I think they cried through most of the ceremony.  It was so sweet and so beautiful to see the love they have for each other.  I don’t think there were many females at the wedding with dry eyes.  The preacher did an absolutely phenomenal message on Ephesians and what love really means.  And how our actions show how we love Christ and each other.  I don’t know how many of the guests needed that message, but it was really beautiful. 

Inside for the reception, the decorations were simple.  Burlap, cotton, sticks in vases, candles and a few flowers were all that decorated the inside of the lodge.  There was a hot chocolate and coffee bar, that was definitely a hit, after coming back inside from the cold.  There was a wonderful meal of bacon wrapped chicken tenderloins, green beans, corn, salad and rolls.  The food was delicious.  I think the favorite of the night for the kids, was the smores bar!  They had all of the fixings and they could make their own smores.  I lost count of how many one of my children had.  They did not have room for cake after filling up on smores! 

All in all, it was a great afternoon and evening of spending time with family and friends.  Seeing my sister glowing and watching Destin remove all of the toilet paper from around his car before they left, was absolutely an unforgettable time.  I am praying that their lives are filled with many years of happiness and many babies!   

Resolutions or one word for 2014?

The optimist or maybe artist in me loves a new year.  The blank pages laid out in front of me is very exciting.  The mistakes made in the precious year are gone, while the lessons learned will hopefully stick with us forever.  The idea of having a whole year to work on myself and improve relationships and focus on making changes make me very excited.  

Are you a resolution maker?  Or do you pick one word to focus on for a new year?  I choose to pick one word, because it is simply easier for me to focus.  If I make 5-10 resolutions, I may be successful with one of them.  I tend to make them too  broad, which I have learned from Michael Hyatt, is not a good way to set goals.  Goals should be specific and measurable and I have a very hard time with that.  

It is very easy for me to come up with what I want to do.  Coming up with a why is a lot harder for me.  I could pick a broad why, but that kind of defeats the purpose.  It needs to be specific to my what.  

I had made a list of several words that I had been thinking on to choose my word for the year.  I wrote them on a bookmark and would read them every single day, sometimes multiple times a day.  They were read every time I opened a book to read.  I was certain I was going to pick one of these words.  They were all good things to focus on for a year.  

Then as I started reflecting over 2013 and the things that really stuck with me from counseling, I remembered two different counselors telling me that one of the biggest things they hear from me is self-hatred.  I knew I struggled with liking myself, but never realized that I hated myself.  The longer I went to counseling, the more I realized I do struggle with hating myself.  

There were some things that came to light this year where I realized that I failed to protect two of my children from abuse.  I had absolutely no clue.  The perpetrator was someone I loved dearly.  The guilt and absolute hatred I felt for myself for not seeing the signs and failing to protect my kids is one of the strongest feelings I have ever had.  

I am a people pleaser and I struggle with others liking me.  I want everyone to like me and when they don't, I feel like a failure and hate myself, again.  

So this year, my one word, my one focus is love.  I goal is to learn to love myself.  I want to love myself and accept myself and see myself as God sees me.  I have come to realize that when I hate myself, I am hating one of God's creations.  God loves me and made me and if I hate me, that is essentially saying that God did not make me good enough.  I know that thought is absolute baloney.  

If I do not know what it is like to love myself and see myself how God sees me, how can I love others and see others the way God sees them?  My focus is to focus on my good qualities and not ignore my faults, work on my faults, but not focus on them.  My good character traits are what makes me me.  Not my faults.  I will always have faults on this side of heaven, but they should not be my focus.  

I long to see the good in everyone.  There is good in every single one of God's creations and that is what I want to focus on.  I want to love others the say God loves them.  I want to love my family the way God loves them.  I want to love my friends the way God loves them.  I long to be that safe person that they can come to at any time with any joy, any struggles, any sadness.  I want to live out this year showing God's love to everyone, every where I go.  

Closing the door to 2013

As I am reflecting back on 2013, I would have to say it was filled with many hills and many valleys.  The hills far outweighed the valleys, thankfully!  

Our year started with Ernie dealing with kidney stones, again.  He has had many experiences with them.  He was discharged from the hospital after a kidney infection from stones and found out that he had 8-9 stones right around Christmas.  So, in January, he was almost constant pain.  

February came around and I was noticing that I was a lot more anxious than normal, very irritable and just on edge almost all of the time.  I finally gave in and went to the doctor and begged for a prescription for Xanax.  I was complaining that my cycle was pretty late, but a midwife had told me I was premenopausal, so I didn't think anything of it.  I hadn't had regular cycles since my 2 year old, at the time, was born.  Well, surprise, surprise, my cycle was late and I was crazy hormonal & anxious because I was pregnant!  We thought our family was complete at 4, but God had a better plan.  

During the spring, we put our older two kids in counseling and I went back to counseling, trying to find healing after my brother's suicide.  One of my biggest lessons is that you cannot find healing after a tragedy like that.  God is the only way to healing after dealing with that kind of loss.  

I think almost 2 years later, I am finally coming to grips with the horrific loss I have felt over losing my brother.  There has been so much anger and bitterness for many reasons with him.  But the bottom line is that he was mentally ill.  He made many bad choices in his adult life and would not take responsibility and/or ask for help.  The control freak in me still wishes I could have forced him to get help, but the bottom line is that he made the choice that life was no longer worth living.  

I learned in counseling that I was dealing with a lot of self-hatred.  There are many reasons for that, but it's time to take responsibility for those thoughts and feelings and learn ways to turn that around loving myself, so that I can see and love others, the way Jesus sees and loved others.  

In August, our oldest returned to public school as a high school freshman.  It still hurts to say he is a freshman.  That has been quite an adjustment after 5 years of homeschooling.  My girls are still at home.  

The morning of 9/26, Annalee's birthday, one month before our newest blessing was due, my water broke.  After a long day of labor, she finally joined the world. She was a little peanut at only 18 1/4 inches and 4lbs 14oz.  She spent a week in the nicu.  She had no serious problems, but they kept hef for a week. Thankfully I was able to keep my hospital room and stay while the baby was in the nicu.  Baby girl turned 3 months old the day after Christmas and I cannot imagine our lives without her. She is such a gift.  

One of my biggest lessons of 2013, was that you cannot control anything.  God has his plan and his plan is always better than we could ask for or imagine. 

He has brought some wonderful ladies into my life that I love doing life with.  Ladies that allow me to be fully transparent and that love me just the same.  That has been a tremendous blessing for me.  

Just when I think that I have things figured out, God gives us a huge surprise.  I am so grateful for his surprises!